My relationship with food!

As a little girl growing up, I never worried about or thought about what I ate. I was never concerned with stepping on a scale, counting calories or really thinking about what I was going to put into my body, what I was fueling or energizing my body with. I ate what mom or dad fixed without a thought. Slumber parties meant candy, soda, and chips! Going to the movies required soda, popcorn and candy! I see looking back that food for me was fun! Not really something to think about or worry about. Then I started having children when I was 18. No, I am not going to blame my later food issues on my kids..lol! I take full responsibility for what I did to my body! The weight that I gained with each one always came back off. By the time I reached the age of 30 my weight started to increase and not come off. I could point the finger of blame at stress. Had I let myself get stressed out? Yes, I did in fact let myself get stressed out. Now at the time I did not realize what I was doing to myself, to my body. I would grab something just so I could say that I ate and my body would not make noises. I felt nauseous, low energy and sick all the time. My weight started to increase and I went on a downward spiral of half starving myself and diet pills. I was stuck in a vicious cycle and my weight was not decreasing it was only increasing. Then we moved out to Missouri after our business venture fizzled out after two years. We lost our house and our 2 vehicles. We were able to get to Missouri in 1 and then shortly after we got here, it was repossessed. My husband went back to school to finish his nursing degree and we had very little income. My weight then started to increase. For me I was at an all time high in pounds and an all time low in the way I felt. I was unhappy, felt awful about myself and had no energy. I would then beat myself up in my mind but, I was stuck in a cycle. I realize now that most of my thoughts were centered on food and lack. If we went to the movies, I could not just sit there and watch a movie, I had to have popcorn, soda, candy. If I was bored I had to run out and get a shake or ice cream, maybe a soda or cheese sticks. Sitting at home, I had to eat while watching TV or a movie. I discovered that my thoughts were on planning the next meal or snack. I realized that the brownies were disappearing the next day because I was eating them while the kids were at school and my husband was at work. I did this to myself though, to my body, I take accountability. Nobody put a gun to my head and said you will eat half a dozen brownies during the course of the day. While doing this I had tricked myself into thinking that I was eating healthier. I had lost a little weight while my Husband was in Kosovo back in 2008-2009 because I started walking and going to the Y here and there. What I really discovered was that I was also not eating junk food at night with my husband anymore, while watching TV or a movie. That did not last though. He returned home and I returned to my same unhealthy habits. Then, about 5 months ago after going through a lot of changes I started craving honey. Strange craving right, and no I was not pregnant, Lol! Looking back I can see that it was my body’s way of telling me some changes were due! Shortly after that I did decide to make some changes. I had looked into all kinds of diets taken pills, done the starvation thing. Then I remembered a diet I had looked into a while back, and my brother-in-law and his wife had success with it so I figured I could do it also. In May of this year I decided to go on the HCG diet. Now before I tell you my story I want to say this. I am not advertising HCG; I do not recommend it for everyone. I am not even recommending anyone try it. I am just sharing my story with you. What I can tell you about it is this started my healing process with food. In May, the same week as my oldest son's graduation, I decided it was time for a change. Lol, great week to decide to make big changes in my life! I had sent a text message to my brother-in-law asking him about the diet and how it had worked out for him and his wife. I had done my own research and was pretty convinced that this was the way for me to go and that I could accomplish it, no problem. He told me he would send me a bottle. I was so excited! I was so excited that I could not wait! I went ahead and ordered myself a bottle I could not wait for his to get here, lol. Along with my mom and two of my sisters I started the diet on the Saturday before the week of Graduation. I found out later that my Brother-in-law had not sent the HCG yet because he knew it would be too hard to stick with while everyone was here and with everything going on. Once I got the idea into my head though I was gung ho! I was not waiting for anyone, lol. So I started the diet. The first 2 days we were told to binge, eat anything and everything until you were miserable! I thought well that might be fun, I get to allow myself to eat whatever I want and as much as I want, woo hoo, right? Nope, by the second evening I felt so sick! I could taste chocolate throw up in my mouth, NASTY! I had asked my daughter that last day of the binging to make our favorite, brownies. She forgot but I had my fill of all things junk by the end of the night! The next day I was in it for the 21 days, or so I thought, lol. My daughter came home from school, my very first day off of all refined sugar and limited calories, only to make WHAT? You guessed it my favorite brownies!! No big deal, right, I could do this! Wrong, the very smell of them was intoxicating, they were calling my name. I felt like I was going insane, lol! I called one of my sisters and said help!! I can't do this; all I can think of is those warm, chewy brownies. I am not going to be able to follow through with this new way of eating. All I could think about was those brownies staring at me from the top of the stove, teasing me with their aroma. Then all I could think about was what I was not going to be able to eat. 21 days of this, I could not make 1 day! Somehow I was able to get through that day. I just decided that this was something I really desired and something I was going to stick with. As the days went on it got easier and then I released/lost the first 7 pounds. Oh that is another thing! I had to weigh myself everyday! I had not stepped on nor had a scale in my home for years! I had told myself that they were unhealthy and that I would become weight obsessed. The truth was I was terrified of them, afraid of the truth of what I had allowed myself to do. That first 7 pounds was motivation enough to keep going. That is until my Husband's family started arriving for my son's graduation. Do I blame them? No it was my choice, so within 3 days I had gained back the 7 pounds I had worked so hard to lose. I did not go hog wild and I kept taking the drops but, I was back to old eating habits. I had convinced myself that I could not possibly do it with everyone and everything going on. I did not know if I could follow through. The next week everyone left and I was determined to get back to the new way of eating. Two days after everyone left I had released the 7 pounds again! That was motivation enough for me I was sticking with this. This new way of eating I was going to follow through, come hell or high-water! I reached my goal of 21 days but I decided that I was going to go for 40 instead because I had cheated for 4 or 5 days. The 40 days were up and I went on the maintenance while we were on our trip to AZ. Our last day there was my last day of maintenance. I weighed in when I got home and total weight loss with 40 days on HCG and then the maintenance; I had released a total of 24 pounds. For me this was huge but, I had not reached my goal. I contemplated on doing another round 6 months from that date. I have decided not to though. Through my change of eating habits and thinking habits, which the thinking itself is a huge part I have found. I have now released as of today 37 pounds. I have more energy and most importantly I feel better, and I don't think of and obsess over food anymore. I keep refined sugars at a low and I pay attention to labels. There are a lot of chemicals in our food that are unhealthy for us. Do I ever have sugar anymore? The answer to that question is yes, once in a while I do but, I weigh it out first and decide if it is worth it or not. I know, and now recognize what sugar and chemicals do to my body and how they make me feel. The great thing is I am free to choose if I want something or not, because the cravings are no longer there and the constant thought of sweets is not there anymore either! For this I am truly grateful. This is my story, my healing. Just one Woman's perspective on her relationship with food!

Katrina-Singer-Hill September 16, 2010 *~<3~*